Special GeekSpeak Translation
from Cap'n Patt

Hackers, Crackers, and Trolls

And so, it came to pass that upon the landscape of technology there appeared three sentient beings called Hackers, Crackers, and Trolls. The reasons nor the logic of their being so named have never been revealed.

Neither is it within our realm to define the purpose of their existence. Mayhap such purpose could best be served by categorizing them with the subject of the oft-quoted couplet attributed to the ancient philosopher, Ogden of Nash. He said, I quote: "God made the fly. I wonder why?"

My only answer, I don't know.

Therefore, as a certified member of the overwhelmingly large group of mortals convinced that somewhere in this vast trove of accumulated knowledge and lore one may find an appropriate answer for all questions, I'm convinced only an extended search through the cranial memory banks is required to ferret out that which is surely the logical and true answer to any query.

I feel it is my bounden duty to provide the answers to these long-standing questions. Besides, the Boss Lady said, "Do it."

So hold onto your hats kiddies, here we go!

I will be the first to admit that when the phrase "Hackers, Crackers, and Trolls" accosted my senses my first reaction was to hum the little ditty, "Baubles, Bangles, and Beads ta de dum dum." Admittedly the thought of dropping it right there did occur.

But no, the motto of my outfit during Dubya Dubya Two was, "Any place, Any time, Any Where." I shall try to muddle on.

A HACKER: There are probably more definitions for this term than there are hackers. More arguments have ensued over some of those definitions than you really want to think about. 

The Underground Digest says the original hacker was a furniture maker. Most likely because there were no computers in those days and the only software was stuffed with feathers.

HACKER Two: A person who is capable of programming quickly. Yeah right! Then he grabs his laptop and runs. Some of them gained fame and notoriety. If you're interested and would like to learn more about them, try the Hackers' Hall of Fame at http://tlc.discovery.com/convergence/hackers/hackers.html  You can find a History of Hacking there too.

Another history, complete with photographs, includes the first major hack when John Draper, better know as "Cap'n Crunch" used a toy whistle from a box of the breakfast cereal of the same name to "Phreak" payphones into authorizing free long distance calls. You can find that one at http://www.csam.iit.edu/~cs485/fall_2002/TeamProject/6/history.html along with this definition of "Cracker."

"CRACKER: An individual who attempts to gain unauthorized access to a computer system. These individuals are often malicious and have many means at their disposal for breaking into a system. The term was coined ca. 1985 by hackers in defense against journalistic misuse of "hacker". An earlier attempt to establish "worm" in this sense around 1981--82 on Usenet was largely a failure."

Webopedia, http://www.webopedia.com, a truly excellent on-line reference source defines them as, "(A) cracker's sole aim is to break into secure systems, hackers are more interested in gaining knowledge about computer systems and possibly using this knowledge for playful pranks."

There are also numerous synonyms for the term Crackers. You can discover a whole slew of them on Webopedia. Terms like nutty, balmy, kooky, fruit loops, (another cereal) whacko, and bonkers, on and on ad infinitum. Don't ask me what it means, Latin's a dead language.

And Now, TROLLS! It used to be the popular conception of a TROLL was an extremely ugly little character with a flattened nose who lived under a bridge and would eat your goats. That, of course was the 19th century C.C. (That's before computers and Cosmetic surgery.)

Today a troll is also known by the acronym PIA, which you may find a definition of in my Acronyms article.

Timothy Campbell at http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm says, "An Internet "troll" is a person who delights in sowing discord on the Internet. He (and it is usually he) tries to start arguments and upset people." Oh well, it's a start.

As far as I'm concerned that takes care of the technical definitions but for my money, and my personal opinion, the whole subject can be summed up in far fewer lines.

Namely, a HACKER is one who works his fanny off trying to iron the kinks out of buggy software and hardware and to make things work better for all of us. Without hackers Uncle Billy the Billionaire would be listed among the homeless. He was, and probably still is a hacker.

A CRACKER is a character who spends his time in smoke filled rooms cracking the activation and registration codes of purloined software. He doesn't do this because he can't afford the software. He does it to prove to his buddies and co-hackers that he can. Dig deep enough into the history of software and you'd probably find Uncle Billy in that category too. No doubt about it, the kid was versatile.

As for TROLLS, it's synonymous with PIA.  Suppose you were sitting at your computer in your fancy leather desk chair and the sharp end of a broken spring was to suddenly protrude through the leather seat. You would immediately experience a PIA. Hey there, still don't get it? The first two words are "Pain" "In" and the last one ain't "Anatomy."

There you have it. What you do with it is left strictly to your discretion. If you find yourself in any of these three classifications. Stop and think about this. We need Hackers. We even need crackers now and then, they can be helpful as well as harmful. I'll even agree that under the proper circumstances the two are almost synonymous.

But, if you are a troll, once a troll always a troll. It would seem to be an irreversible characteristic and you are truly a real, honest, Pain In the Ass.

Once a Captain, always a Captain.

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