ABC ~ All 'Bout Computers
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A 12 STEP PROGRAM...
passed along to me by my buddy, Frank G.

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software on. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES

Note: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging & remove the manual. This was included to cushion the software during shipment. This manual will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, & trouble shooting the software. THROW IT AWAY.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5 floppy diskette or a CD ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that reads;

LICENSING AGREEMENT

BY BREAKING THIS SEAL, THE USER HEREINAFTER AGREES TO ABIDE BY ALL THE TERMS & CONDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING AGREEMENT THAT NOBODY EVER READS, AS WELL AS THE GENEVA CONVENTION & THE U.N., THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHARTER & THE SECRET SERVICE MEMBERSHIP OATH OF THE BENEVOLENT PROTECTIVE ORDER OF THE GRAND POO-BAH & ELKS CLUB & SUCH OTHER TERMS & CONDITIONS, REAL & IMAGINARY, AS THE SOFTWARE COMPANY SHALL DEEM NECESSARY & APPROPRIATE, INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO COME TO THE USER'S HOME & EXAMINE THE USER'S HARD DRIVE, AS WELL AS THE USER'S FALL & SPRING CLOTHES DRAWERS IF WE FEEL LIKE IT, UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, ONE NATION INDIVISIBLE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT,...FINDERS KEEPERS LOSERS WEEPERS, THANK-YOU YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD, & DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR SERVERS.

4. Hand the software to a child between the age of 3 through 12 and say; "Please install this on my computer."

5. Turn the computer on.

6. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software into the appropriate drive, & type "SETUP" & press the ENTER key.

7. Once again type; "SETUP" & press the ENTER key.

8. You will hear a grinding whirring sound for a while after which the following message should appear on your screen:

THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION & WILL SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY. THIS PROGRAM WILL NOW EXAMINE YOUR SYSTEM TO SEE WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO RENDER IT INOPERABLE. IS IT OK WITH YOU BUD?

Choose one & be honest:

* YES

* SURE, WHY NOT IT'S PAID FOR

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding & whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who-knows-what in there. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories & sub-directories onto your hard drive & fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like; CHOP.EXE, PUREE.EXE & CAPUCHINO.EXE...

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS & WELCOME TO WEBTV!!

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer & has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, like; electrical shocks insomnia, nasal discharge or split ends please contact Customer Service as directed on the box.